I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
