He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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