you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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