do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
