I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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