I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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