god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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