It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
