so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
