Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I FOUND THE LEGS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
