He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
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I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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