Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Let's get the cat blown out
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
