Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
