She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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