I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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