How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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