dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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