You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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