Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Use "feeling words"
Yay
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
