He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
