She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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