Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
