I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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