I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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