The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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