Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
