why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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