I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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