and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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