Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
