My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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