I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
