Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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