Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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