If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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