I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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