I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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