zippers are such a cool invention
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
