Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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