When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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