how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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