Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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