so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
