my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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