just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
