You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
