it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
