he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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