Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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