she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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