Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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