lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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