he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The best revenge is premature balding
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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