u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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