absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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