He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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