Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?