I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
