Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.